Thank you for telling the 14-year-old me that I’d never amount to anything unless I played basketball.

• I worked to prove you wrong then (full ride on a volleyball scholarship, anyone?), and found that my biggest driver in life is being challenged.

Thank you for asking me, “What, are we supposed to wait for YOU to make the money??”

• I work my ASS OFF as hard as I currently do so no man will ever say that to me again.

Thank you for telling me that you don’t see how I will ever find someone because I was too strong willed.

• You made me realize right then and there that my man was out there and worth waiting for, just to prove you wrong.

Thank you for hacking my email and facebook due to YOUR major trust issues.

• I value trust even more than I did before you. I trusted blindly, and you taught me the importance and correlation between love and blind trust.

And finally, thank you for asking me what I was doing with a bum like you and saying you weren’t good enough and that I deserved better.

• YOU WERE SO RIGHT.

Who had the #1 album this past week?? Woohoo, my girl did!!

My bad. I’ll do better!

You know who I feel sorry for? My future husband. As horrible as that sounds, it’s true. This poor, unsuspecting man is going to fall in love with a Gloria that has been repeatedly hurt, unappreciated, dismissed, abandoned, lied to and made to feel like less than she is. And even though she –ahem—I will try my hardest not to make him pay for the transgressions of others, he inadvertently will. I’m damaged goods. :-( 

For one thing, I am NOT moving anywhere unless I truly want to or it is my idea. I have moved to Jacksonville, FL. I have moved to Michigan City, IN. I have moved to Chicago, IL. I have moved to Lubbock, TX. I moved and moved and moved and moved because there was a man in my life that I loved enough to compromise and sacrifice my career and being away from all of my friends and family for. Look at where that got me? Never again. My husband will have to understand that I got taken for a fool TOO many times, so I am parking my tail in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. It’s about time someone loves me enough (the way I loved others enough) to think about my wants and feel that they are important enough to choose. How many times can I sacrifice before someone thinks I’m important enough to sacrifice for? It’s just not fair.

 My husband is going to have to wear many hats. I’ve never been married before, so I’m not sure what the norm is, but he’s going to have to be ready to be a husband/father/provider/therapist. I need someone that I can spill my heart to and they listen, judgment-free, and have compassion and empathy and understand why I feel the way I do. I can’t have another man in my life tell me that my problems are insignificant or less important than theirs. I won’t have it.

Okay, so I know Meredith Grey is not a real person (and she’s usually an annoying, whiny idiot), but when she told Derek, “Pick me. Choose me. Love me,”

I got it.

I want to be chosen. So many times in my life, I have felt second best. When will I be someone’s first choice? I’ve been second best to work, to money, to friends—hell, I’ve been second best to an ex-girlfriend before (and they are now married, ha. Congrats girl—you “won” a verbally and borderline physically abusive man who cheats! Yep, I definitely dodged a bullet with that one…).

 So my husband will have a life sentence that will involve loving me in a way I’ve never felt, understanding my wants and needs and actually wanting to see me happy as well as showing me that he picks me, every time. And in exchange for good behavior, he will receive a wife that undoubtedly knows her flaws and will try her damndest to overcome them. She will treat him like the most important man in her life, with a loyalty that he won’t even be able to fully comprehend.

Hmm… guess I don’t feel too bad for him after all. Looks like he’s going to luck out, ending up with me. :-)

I wrote this almost a year ago, during one of my many “I’VE GOT TO GET THIS OUT OF MY HEAD NOW,” moments. I was stuck in the car on a 7 hour drive from College Station, coming home after one of the worst volleyball tournaments ever, having a total FML moment. lol I laugh at myself now, but at the same time, I still could have written some of this yesterday rather than a year ago.

11/15/2009

 Whoever said, “It’s better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all,” was stupid. Or, they must have never had their heart crushed. Even when you get “over it” and learn whatever lesson you’re supposed to take away from it, it changes who you are. It makes you pessimistic, doubtful of everyone… un-trusting. You live on waited time, like, it’s only a matter of time before this or that happens. You become “that girl”—the one who starts to believe that love is a joke or waste of time. I’m not that girl yet, but I definitely second guess men and feel like I’m always about to get played.

I am so pathetic that all it takes is a few good conversations, compliments and right words said at the right time (i.e., “Hearing from you is usually the bright spot in my day.” Sounds like possible bullshit, right? Well, I just eat it up and smile like a goober with butterflies in her stomach) to make me suddenly interested in someone. And then I spend equal amounts of time going between thinking about him and telling myself to get real and stop expecting anything.

But is it wrong to talk myself out of something that could possibly be a good thing? Is that what the moron I quoted at the beginning could have been talking about? I can’t see the future, so I could possibly be talking myself out of a potential blessing, but the fear of it being the opposite of a blessing is SO overpowering.

 I’m scared to get hurt again—plain and simple.

The feeling of being unwanted is more than I can bear at times.
How can no one want me?
Despite my flaws, I have so much to offer to that one person who is willing to take a chance on me. And if I was really supposed to be in this damn MBA program, I would be able to think of a really good investment metaphor to compare how the return on investment would be incredibly high for whoever thinks I’m worth the risk.

And speaking of, I really should be studying right now, but my head is too full. Once again, another weekend comes and goes where I realize that I am NOT in my element or with people I am supposed to be with. Then that leads me to feeling lonely even when I’m surrounded by people, which then leads to me longing for this husband that doesn’t yet exist. Plus, the depressing ass country music currently playing in this car is NOT helping my mood.

P.S.— I guess I WAS supposed to be in this damn MBA program after all…I graduate in December. :-)

A boy looks good with his shirt off.
A man looks good because of the way he looks at you.

A boy will smile during the good times.
A man will laugh during the bad.

A boy goes to work because he has to.
A man works because he can.

A boy buys a plasma screen television.
A man accumulates a library.

A boy will hug you in the kitchen.
A man will hold your hand anywhere you’re together.

A boy knows how to load the washing machine.
A man knows what doesn’t go in the dryer.

A boy can read the grocery list you have written.
A man will shop it with you, put it away, and cook anything on it.

A boy will talk to you about lousy day.
A man will ask you about yours, and listen.

A boy will read a to-do list.
A man knows what has to be done.

A boy will buy you flowers.
A man will plant them with you.

A boy will tell you what you want to hear.
A man will tell you what he has to say.

A boy will share a thought.
A man will share his dreams.

A boy will tell you he feels good when he is with you.
A man will tell you how he feels when he can’t be at your side.

A boy will share intimate moments with you.
A man will share… his life.